Big Funny Jokes

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; “Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her.”

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a dildo. Figured if she didn’t like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself!”

This was this guy, walking down the street when he spot a little boy, wearing a red firefighters hat while he is sitting in a red wagon, pulled very slowly by a large dog.

As he got closer, he noticed that the kid was holding a rope which was tied to the dog’s testicles, explaining why the dog walked so slowly. The guy walked up to the kid and said,

“Hey, Kid! That’s a nice fire engine you got there, but I bet it would go faster if you tied the rope around the dog’s neck, instead.”

“Yeah,” the kid replied.”But I wouldn’t have a siren.”

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth, to his first baby. The doctor comes in, nods his head and informs the new father that his son was born without torso, arms or legs, his son is just a head!

Nevertheless, the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chants, “take another drink!”
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “take another drink!”
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

All in the bar gets silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, “How can you be so cold and callous?”

The bartender says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

Here is another, spot what’s wrong with this picture. Maybe you must click on it, to enlarge it, to really see what’s wrong with. I promise you, when you find it, you will be starting to think…

Dear Sirs,

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive!

It’s only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.

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A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend said to her,

“Go out there and do something that proves them wrong, honey! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself and studies hard for two whole weeks. The next party she goes to, some dude is making some dumb blonde comments to her. Then the blonde gets all indignant and says to the dude,
“I’m NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!”

Of course, the dude doesn’t believe her, so the blonde dares him to test her. He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?” The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!

This picture is so good! At first glance, it doesn’t seems that funny, but if you take a closer look, you will defently start to laugh! I would love to hear the story behind this picture…

A man went on a plane with six kids. It took a while for him to get them all into their respective seats and settled in. When the man was done a lady, across the aisle leaned over and asked him,
“Are all of those kids yours?”
The man looked quietly on the woman for a second, before he answered,
“No, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints.”

If you used a computer in the late 80’s, then you will know for sure why this picture is so darn funny.

An married couple has just gone to bed, when the old man farts and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over, looks at her husband and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replies, with a smile, “Its fart football, honey”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to be beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man thinks for a second before he says, “Half time, switch sides!”