Big Funny Jokes

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend said to her,

“Go out there and do something that proves them wrong, honey! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself and studies hard for two whole weeks. The next party she goes to, some dude is making some dumb blonde comments to her. Then the blonde gets all indignant and says to the dude,
“I’m NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!”

Of course, the dude doesn’t believe her, so the blonde dares him to test her. He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?” The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!

This picture is so good! At first glance, it doesn’t seems that funny, but if you take a closer look, you will defently start to laugh! I would love to hear the story behind this picture…

A man went on a plane with six kids. It took a while for him to get them all into their respective seats and settled in. When the man was done a lady, across the aisle leaned over and asked him,
“Are all of those kids yours?”
The man looked quietly on the woman for a second, before he answered,
“No, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints.”

If you used a computer in the late 80’s, then you will know for sure why this picture is so darn funny.

An married couple has just gone to bed, when the old man farts and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over, looks at her husband and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replies, with a smile, “Its fart football, honey”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to be beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man thinks for a second before he says, “Half time, switch sides!”

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, an elderly woman.

He approached the old woman and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
“Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

“May we see the new baby?” they asked one.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can have a chat for a while first, OK?”

Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now? Please?!”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby, then?”

“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.

“WHEN HE CRIES?” they shouted out loud. “Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”

“BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM OK!?”

1. I have moss growing:

A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth

2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:

A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat

3. I think computers are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do

4. I think sheep are:

A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live

5. The Usenet Oracle is:

A) A pack of weenies who think about “Lisa” way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me

6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is:

A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I’ve only seen pictures

7. Bill Gates is:

A) Bill who?
B) Very wealthy
C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
D) The Antichrist

8. In general, people:

A) Like me
B) Don’t like me
C) People? What people?

9. My friends are:

A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am

10. My dream vacation is:

A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee

11. My job prospects are:

A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I’ll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?

Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.

19 or more: Yep. You’re a computer geek, all right.

13 - 18: You’re a geek of some stripe or another.

7 - 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it…

0 - 6: If you’re of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the comments? Please? Hello?

A woman wakes up, in the middle of the night and notice that her husband isn’t laying besides her. She walks downstairs, to look for him. After a while she finds him, sitting in the kitchen, with a cup of coffee.

Her husband seems to be deep thought and just stares down on the table. He slowly wipes a tear from his eye and drinks a little coffee.

“But, what’s the matter darling? Why are your sitting in here in the middle of the night, all by yourself?”

The husband looks up, with sad eyes and says, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?”

“Of course, I do!”, the wife replies.

“Do you also remember, when your father caught us in the backseat of my truck?”

“Yes, I remember that, too.” Says the woman and pulls out a chair and sits down besided her husband.

“Then you also remember that he shoved a shotgun into my face and said that I was either marry you or he would send me to jail for 20 years?”

“Yes, dear, I remember that, too.”, answers the woman, with a smile.

The man wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “Well, the thing is, that I would have been released today…”

Joe has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the countryside, as far from humanity as possible.

Joe sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

“Name’s Bubba… I’m your neighbor, from four miles over the ridge… I am having a party on Saturday night… Thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Joe, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Bubba is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinking.”

“Not a problem… After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Bubba stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting too.”

“Damn,” Joe thinks… “Tough crowd.” “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Bubba turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem,” says Joe, “Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there… By the way, what should I wear?”

Bubba stops in the door again and says: “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”